I've been going absolutely insane without my x-acto knife and scale. And tonight I just couldn't take it anymore. I was seriously shaking from so much pent up anxiety. I took a shower to try and calm myself but that made it worse. I was hysterical...then I remembered I have a glass scraping tool my mom bought me freshman year so I pulled out a new blade for it and cut... It felt unbelievably relaxing. Suddenly, all the anxiety and hysteria went away. With one cut I stopped crying, with another I stopped shaking, with another my heart rate started slowing down again. I cut until I felt normal. Now I have to be extra careful around Erica and Megg. Under NO circumstances can they find out!!
All of my friends went out tonight...one of them just called me and I ignored it cause I know she's gonna try to get me to go out. And I really don't want to. I'm exhausted...worn out...ready for bed. If I could go to sleep now and never wake up I would.
I know this post has no details and I apologize for that. I'm not too exhausted to go into anything. Maybe I'll feel up to it tomorrow. But, then again, maybe not. One thing I will say though is that I've decided not to bring up any steps towards recovery to anyone. If they bring it up I'll take it from there. But, as far as I'm concerned, the subject has been dropped and I'm not ready for it.
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