Recovery is an Option

I don't know that I can keep up this blog anymore.  I'm clinging desperately to the idea of recovery and that's not what this blog symbolizes for me.  This blog is where I went when I was clinging to Ana (the name of the voice my anorexia has in my head) and all of her fake promises of success and happiness.  Now I can see that she was lying.

Maybe I'll be able to use this as a recovery blog at some point.  But, for now, I just need to step back and take some time for myself.  I've seen a dietitian and have my own food plan, I have a psychiatrist and am on medication, and am currently looking to switch therapists.  I have the business card of a woman who specializes in individuals with eating disorders.  I'm taking life into my own hands.

For any of you reading this blog I highly recommend reading "Life Without Ed" and "Goodbye Ed, Hello me" both by Jenni Schaefer.  They are incredibly inspiring books!  I read a few small sections every night (each chapter is broken down into two to three page sections) and it helps a lot.  She's got some great advice.  And some harsh reality stuff.  Anyway, you should read them.

I'll do what I can to get back on here from time to time and update you all.  Assuming you haven't stopped checking for updates.  But I'm not even going to get your hopes up with a false promise to try and be on here more often.  I'll come on when I can and feel up to it.

For now, goodbye and thank you.  Keep fighting!  Recovery is an option..

I'm trying to get on here more often but life has been so hectic!!  I just finished a production of Dracula here at school.  It was my senior research project and my final show here before I graduate in May.  So crazy...  There were lots of tears..  It was an absolutely phenomenal show though and i'm so happy I got to take part in it.

"Recovery" is going well..  I saw a dietitian who set up some guidelines for me.  For starters: breakfast...every morning....  Gah!!!  AND lunch and dinner..  So much food.  But I can do this.  I have a Greek yogurt and a glass of milk every morning.  I need to include more calcium and protein in my diet as well.  But for the most part I get to make my own food decisions and use her guidelines to help my choices.  I also got some blood work done.  Everything's normal :D  Thank goodness.  I was worried.

Haven't cut in like two weeks which is awesome.  I've had the urge but I've managed to resist.  Carole, my therapist up here, has given me some good advice on how to make the feelings pass.  And reading the book "Life Without Ed" has helped tremendously.  I've just started her other book "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me" which is also really good.  And of course Ellen has been amazing through this whole process.  I would be completely lost without her

I don't think I can do this whole recovery thing...  It's so difficult!!  I cry myself to sleep every night.  Though that isn't really much of a change.  But I just don't want to eat.  And keeping myself from self-harm is difficult.  I just don't know....  I have another therapy appointment tomorrow so I'll talk with her about all of this.  That's also awkward...  Talking to people.  Oh well...  I can do this.  Just keep pushing.

I haven't been on here in seemingly forever... I'm trying this whole recovery thing... Therapy, recovery journal, support systems, everything. It's the hardest thing I've ever done... I'm reading a book called "Life Without Ed" that is incredible. Definitely helpful.

Problem...idk if I can actually do this. Ana constantly screams at me. Telling me I'm not good enough, thin enough. I'm worthless, stupid, fat.. We'll see how this goes...

So it's official. I'm an awful friend. I think I expect way too much all the time. From everyone... I don't even do it on purpose. But I don't know why anyone would stay friends with me for a long portion of time... I definitely don't treat my friends well.

I cry myself to sleep every night. Without fail. How is that fair to Ellen? Who has to lay with me every night? Exactly. It's not. What kind of friend does that to someone? Me apparently. I don't think it's fair that she has to constantly worry about how I'm feeling or what I'm doing. Her life could be so much easier. Going to sleep at normal times, not watching as I cry on the bathroom floor because of the conversation going on in my head. I don't think there is any benefit for her in this friendship. I can't believe I'm selfish enough to do this to her... Maybe one day I'll have the guts to stop this pain for her. I'll have the guts to just quit everything. Make the hurt and the pain stop. And stop treating my friends this way... Because I know they don't deserve it...

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday...  I guess I'm going to discuss everything.  This whole "eating disorder" the cutting the wanting to kill myself...  But what if she doesn't believe me?  I'm terrified to talk to her...  I'm not even underweight.  How can you get help for an eating disorder when you could stand to lose a few pounds?  Ughhh.  I don't even know why I'm going...

Also, I'm an awful friend.  I keep dragging Ellen into this whole situation and it's not fair to her.  I'm going to keep telling her I hate myself and she's going to keep telling me not to.  What if that makes her think I don't trust her?  Or I don't value her opinion?  That's not the case at all and I can't stand to think she might believe that...  Her brother told her that if he were me, he wouldn't be friends with her.  Who would say that?  He knows nothing about our friendship.  Really it's the other way around.  I can't understand why she's still friends with me.  After everything I've put her through.  And continue to put her through.  I just need to stop bringing her into this.  She deserves better than that.  She deserves a better friend.

And I cut again.  It felt so good.  There was no trying to stop it, no reaching out for help to push through it.  I felt the urge and gave in.  I cut and let the blood flow.  What a beautiful sight.  To see the scarlet red drip down my pale skin.  I wanted it so badly.  And I let myself enjoy it

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!

And a very Merry Christmas indeed!  I got some really great gifts from my family, they loved the hand knit gifts I made them, and I got to spend quality time with everyone.  It was really very pleasant.

I'm also pretty sure I've lost weight!  Though I don't really know since there is no scale here....but I will be reunited with my scale soon!  And, for now, I feel smaller.  My gutt doesn't seem as hideous and I just feel tinier.  I wonder how much I weigh...